Sold Out
“Good morning. This is flight 950 bound for Omaha.
“We will begin boarding in the order of how I am judging you.
“If you bought your last pantsuit in 1975 you will be among the first five passengers I will board. I like women who wear whatever’s on top of the laundry heap. Your backless Keds tell me you have a delicious steaming meatloaf in your purse. Your bitten nails show me you’re nervous about crossing time zones. I think I love you.
"You there, with the knitting and spindly little bowlegs with saggy stockings - you’re going aboard next. You stole my heart when you asked the kid at Burger King if the fish was fresh. I love that you just spent endless minutes counting out $16 in pennies and nickels for a pack of Parliaments. If it wouldn’t mess up your drug store lipstick I’d kiss you.
“You, with the Peter Pan collar and a necklace you made yourself out of weed eater line and ping pong balls. Your cheap press-on nails, your dandruff-covered dress, your frosted hair and the coupons you tried to use at the airport bar. I have an upgrade for you.
“If you’re wearing cat eyes glasses and reading a thick book I’m boarding you with the gimps. You’re 30, you don’t buy makeup, you don’t care about the color of your nails or yoga clothes. Your coffee is from McDonalds. I love that you don’t text. I’m going to serve you a nice cold glass of San Pellegrino Limonata, not water from a hose at the Buffalo airport.
“All right you, with the fat briefcase and the handbag that looks like a feed bag. You’re a lawyer. But you’re not a window dressing lawyer wearing a $4,000 dress and Manolos. You’re a real lawyer who wears her husband’s black socks with pants she made herself. You’re the kind of lawyer who spends days taking boring depositions from people who lie to you, but you put your head down and plod ahead because your clients need you. You always fly coach. Honey, I’m upgrading you to first class and you’re getting a rare steak and a whiskey neat.”
“For everyone else, this flight is sold out.”